After the ups and downs, finally i woke up from my battle. I almost die, but i choose to breathe again. It’s not my breath, it’s their. The breath of love, the breath of caring, the breath of hope, the breath of strength. It’s magical.
They taught me to accept my condition, my struggle, my weakness. They taught me about maturity and what should i do to nourish it.
They show me that i still worth to love and they keep their promise to always be there for me.
I think, i see the light again.
It’s right before i jump from the cliff. Their voice come into my head.
It chocked me in dawn, the battle. I’m dying on my bed.
But then, slowly i can feel them again. The more they show me love, the more i am free.
So many things i would like to thank about them. So many words and pray i want to ask God for them.
Let them be happy, God. Because they are my hero. They give me their most precious coat and blanket when i’m sleeping on the sidewalk.
Hai.. I start to write, again. I try. I’m not in a good condition actually. Life gets me in so many trouble. But, who’s not, if you’re ask.
Wait, before i start let me PLAY my favorite song recently.
So… My 2020 starts so bright. I start it with finally get a new job at the restaurant, do my solo trip to Japan, and suddenly it turns over into a trashy season, until now. People get struggle because of this virus. We can’t see it but because of them so many people dying everyday, some lose their families, some lose their jobs, some of business going low and bankrupt. Suffering everywhere.
But, besides of all those things… Some people still can live in their empire. Looks like nothing happend to them.
And me? What about me?
After the very long struggle to get a new job, finally i can get a new even sometimes i can’t enjoy the job. But, who cares. I need money and they can give me. Actually the job desc is still on my field, but i don’t know why i can’t enjoy it. Full of preassure. I can say that i’m lucky to working at fancy restaurant in Jakarta. But, you know… the fact i can’t enjoy it, at all. You know, i don’t have real friends there. I’m sorry. I just be friends for business. I think this is my first to being like this. Ah, i know.. i have one person that i can call her friend because i start hug her, sit with her when i get lunch and talk about our music. We love the same music. Thanks to One Ok Rock back then. One person after months, that’s my record. Bad.
After struggling with everything alone in Jakarta, suddenly i’ve got a go to Bontang. My hometown. Firstly, i just wanna take a long holiday. And never think to live here again, for a long time.
Now, here i am. Running small business, hoping an order everyday, day dreaming ang thinking what’s happend in my life? Am i ruin it? Am i getting low? Am i right? Am i fine?
To be frank, i am not fine.
Pause-ing around 15 minutes. I’m staring that “I am not fine” line and wipe my tears.
Yeah, i am not fine. I’m not okay. But, no one understand. Or it’s only me who exaggerate this. But, i just want to be real. I am not okay. Let me tell you why.
I feel like i am useless (again). I feel like i can’t make a big amount anymore in my life. I am afraid to lose my skills on writing articles. I am now paralysed, depends on Mom again. I am now nothing comparing to others. I have big dream to go to international, but look at me now. I still can’t embrace my condition right now.
It’s easy to say don’t compare yourself to others. But, it’s not easy to do it.
I really hate to depends on others. I really want my life back to me.
Don’t ask me about relationship. It’s not my priority right now. I even don’t know how to in love with someone. Tasteless.
For someone like me, who have a not really good family background and not even rich, to have a job or have skills is like the only thing i can “sell” when i want to jump on relationship. Maybe because this is me. Maybe because i live in Asia. Job and how you make living is one of the important things. Even my brothers right now are jobless.
Maybe, maybe it happend to me because i used to be the one who is working. I used to be the one who become the example for my brothers. Maybe, because it feels like y parent have high hopes on me. or it’s just me over-react-ed on it. My best friend yelling at me, “Ninta, you are fine. Your life is fine now.”
How can it be fine when i have nothing?
I don’t have anything to get all my dreams. In the past, i have my boyfriend who always support me and told me that he will makes me happy and make sure i’m secure and we can go anywhere i want. I have my father who works and gimme some money so i can buy anything i want and i don’t have to pay the bill (please note i’m not rich), and i got the job so i can pay my tickets and do anything i want. I just have to manage it. But now…
Yes, money is big matters for me. Like, right now i really want to take chance for an international student changing scholarships to Korea and get Harvard Certificate on it with only 300K for the test but i can’t pay for it. I can if i use my credit card. But, my goal now is to completely free from my CC bill soon. I hate it.
For me, that’s really important but i should burried it. I hate that i should back to my latest life where I can do nothing and have nothing because I have no money.
I think it’s happens on me because i have taste it. I’ve tasted my best life when i can eat my favorite food without thinking of my money, have a great traveling experiences, living in a big city, and really want to go abroad. I don’t know why. I just want it.
Am i too selfish so i can’t get it? Or you would tell me that, “This is your choice. You choose it…”
This is my darkness side.
I really want to go to some country, live there for a while, no one know about me, starts something, feel the experiences, living with… i don’t know what. If you ask what’s ideal for me, let me tell you something.
I never regret my background, but… What’s ideal for me starts when i meet my ex. It feels like we will build our empire, complete our study, get a job, marriage, he will go abroad for his works or degree, i live with him there, enjoy our time, have kids, have good education, doing some hobbies not for living but for sharing.
That’s what i called ideal. but, i don’t have it and i still running to it now. Maybe i’m not into things, shopping, or have some branded things. I just wanna go far and feel the experiences. Learn a lot. Mastering something. Because i love it, and that’s my pride, and that’s what i want to show to people.
And maybe because of this, God doesn’t give me a boyfriend yet.
Am i too much complaining my life? Sorry if all of these words doesn’t match your expectation. Anyway, you can share what’s your ego too. We’re not an angel everyday. Sometimes, we need our dark side appear on the surface.
It’s been a long time since my last story. Dan sebentar lagi sudah mau menutup tahun 2018. Dan… Rasanya, tahun ini gagal lagi melaksanakan apa yang biasanya disebut resolusi.
Resolusi apa itu? Resolusi membaca dan menulis lebih banyak. Kenapa? Karena memang sadar diri kalau terlalu sibuk dan lebih memilih untuk “me time” dengan mematikan lampu, mendengarkan musik, atau sekadar menonton drama.
Tanpa sadar, waktu memang berjalan sangat cepat. 24 jam satu hari itu memang selalu nggak pernah cukup untuk semua orang. Tapi, mau nggak mau semua kembali lagi pada bagaimana kita mengatur dan memanfaatkannya.
Masih seperti di tahun lalu, tahun ini cukup menjadi tahun yang berat untuk aku pribadi. Rasanya, Tuhan nggak pernah berhenti menempa anaknya yang satu ini. Level demi level benar-benar terasa sedang diuji. Dan tetap sama, sebagai manusia di awal selalu merasa “Why you did this to me, God?” Dan lupa dengan pertanyaan “What you would do through me, God?” Kamu juga seperti itu? Hmm… Wajar. Tapi, yang harus diingat adalah jangan kelamaan nanyain Why, cepat-cepat tanya What-nya.
Hai, dear! First of all, I wanna say thank you very much for every prayer and love you gave to me today. 🙂
I know it’s been a long time i’m not post something on my blog. I have… literally passed the hardest time in my life. Last year, I lost my father. It happened when i’m not really well, after the biggest rock bottom ever in my 30 years life. Then, some struggle coming in and out. And I started to busying myself. Try to figure everything. Caught in an insomnia moment for months. Try hard to feel that everything is going alright but broken with my life. Felt my 2018 is sucks and wasted. Poor me. 😀
But, well… Am still alive now. 🙂
And as you know, today is my birthday, my 30th birthday. MY 30TH BIRTHDAY, Oh! What a number. Can you imagine what I feel right now?
When you’re teenager, turning 20 feels like an amazing moment! You can do a lot of things freely. You plan this and that, passionately. You go here and there. But, when it’s going to 30… You’d better handle that mix feelings, dear.
Ohhh!!!
The mix feeling start since early March. I’ve thought a lot about my life after I sent my birthday wishes to my friend. She told me, “Semoga umur 20an ku cukup bermanfaat ya di mata Tuhan (kayak kamu). Hahaha”
I’m freezing.
This statement, this to the point statement, makes me numb!
Then, every night and day until now, I still thinking about it. Am I? How useful my life until now? Have I enlarged my capacity? Have I tried to equip myself well? Have I did something good? Have I… Have I… Have I… ?
Hmmm… I can tell you that this question haunted me. If you are 30s too, you would understand.
Well… last night, I spent 30 minutes praying. Usually, I’ve never praying like that before. But, because of it’s my time turning 30, I pray a lot. I thanking God for everything. Ask blessing for everyone I love. And give my 30 proposal to God.
Well, for your information only, i was born in special family. But, grace of God save me.
How come I told you that I am saved by His grace? Because, I’m still alive right now and I’m growing up to be a mature person.
It’s been a long journey through hard and easy times with God, tho. When it happened, He mold me. He take care of me. He teach me. He promise me that He will never ever leave me. He never abandon me. He loves me.
It makes me secure. It makes me secure. It makes me secure. How can i’m not feel blessed.
But, I also remember how I disappointing Him. How stubborn I am. How egoist I am. How hard I am. How my concern sometimes makes me down and makes me forget about His promise in my life?
*sigh* I’m still human. But, now I want to learn more to trust in Him and changing to be a better person more and more.
Alright, I would like to tell you about what’s my concern right now. Openly. It’s about relationship. Another thing is my job. Why? Because, both things are very crucial in my age, right now. Meeh…
It’s not like I want to be a bride sooner, but how I can manage a good relationship for further. I want to know and love myself more. I want to be a better person for me first. I want to have a settle job.
Ah… By the way, few days before my birthday I always hit this verses.
John 15:7-8New International Version (NIV)
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
John 15:16New International Version (NIV)
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.
Beautiful verses, isn’t it? I keep read this verses. And I think, God wants to say that i can ask anything (He remind me a lot!) with my faith as long as its aligned with God’s will. My life should be a fruitful life.I’m chosen. I am still loved (after all this waving heart), and I should pray about my every bucket list without a waving heart. 🙂
He’s so good to me. He’s been so so so good!
Anyway, I foud a thoughtful song when I play a list last night. Its from Hillsong Worship – New Wine.
VERSE 1:
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand
Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus bring new wine out of me
VERSE 2:
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
BRIDGE:
Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
The Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today
I cry a lot while praying and listening to this song. And yes, I’m His seed and when God wants to make a new wine from me, there is new power, new freedom, and it means my life is a fruitful life. 🙂
So, happy 30th Ninta. You did well! It’s a bit messy life, but still beautiful to lived.
Your life, maybe its a tough one. But, you will never know how many people inspired by you, find a new hope from your failure, decide to keep moving on with God because of your smile. Himneseyo, ulri aegi! Cheers.
Pernah nggak sih ngebayangin gimana rasanya berjalan di jalan setapak, di antara semak belukar yang berduri, yang berwarna hitam pekat, nggak ada cahaya, dan kamu berjalan sendirian? It sounds creepy. But, I have feel it.
Beberapa waktu lalu saya terus mengalami pergumulan demi pergumulan yang jujur membuat saya sempat merasa sangat lelah. Perasaan ini bahkan membuat saya berpikir bagaimana kehidupan setelah kematian? Bagaimana saya mengatasi suatu hal ketika saya sudah benar-benar nggak mau lagi berurusan sama hal tersebut?
Saya kerap mengalami sulit tidur karena rasa kesal pada diri sendiri (dan orang lain) yang saya miliki, rasa nggak mampu lagi percaya sama orang lain, rasa di mana saya nggak mau ketemu dan berurusan sama siapa-siapa lagi.
Suatu malam, saat saya sulit tidur dan mengalami delusi, saya merasa saya makin sulit bernapas, saya ingin menutup mata namun takut jika saja saya nggak akan bangun lagi. Setengah nyawa, saya melihat suasana kamar saya berubah. Dinding yang biasanya gelap, semua mendadak terang bagai dicat putih.
Sisi kanan, kiri, depan, belakang. Nggak ada bayangan ventilasi. Nggak ada bayangan lemari. Sampai-sampai saya merasa saya harus tampar diri saya supaya saya kembali sadar.
Alhasil, setelah menggelengkan kepala beberapa kali, saya mulai melihat kembali bentuk kamar saya. Am scared about that. I know, too much burden and traumatic can cause anything. And I feel it at that time.
Hmmh…
Kira-kira begitulah “semak belukar” yang saya alami. It makes me so down. I feel like I can’t trust nobody. I just feel that only God knows me. Tapi, walau demikian aku seakan berjalan tanpa harapan.
Beralih sedikit ke cerita lain, aku baru saja melakukan rock climbing. Dan ini adalah salah satu bucketlist dalam hidupku. Dulu, sebenarnya bungee jumping adalah keinginan utama. Tapi, rasanya nggak mampu jadi aku memilih untuk mencoba olahraga ekstrem yang lain.
Gunung yang aku panjat ini adalah Gunung Parang, Purwakarta. Ini adalah gunung dengan via ferrata tertinggi se-Asia Tenggara. Memang aku nggak manjat sampai puncak. Tapi, aku berhasil mengalahkan diriku sendiri di ketinggian 350M. And I proud of my self.
Lalu, apa hubungannya dengan cerita sebelumnya?
Setiap kita di dunia ini memiliki gunung atau lembah sendiri dan seringkali kita melihatnya sebagai sebuah hal yang menakutkan. Hal yang nggak bisa kita taklukkan. Kita melihatnya sebagai sebuah kegelapan yang pekat dan ketinggian yang menembus langit. Impossible banget lah rasanya.
Ditambah lagi, seringkali kita berteriak, “God, I can’t do this! I can’t do this anymore.” Then we’re crying. Peeps, I wanna ask you something.
Seberapa cepat kita meminta tolong sama Tuhan, curhat sama Tuhan ketika kita menghadapi kegelapan atau ketinggian yang menjadi masalah kita tersebut? Saat itu juga? Atau kita justru langsung mencari our gadget to update our status. Atau kita justru langsung panik menelpon atau menghubungi teman-teman kita untuk meminta tolong supaya mereka mendengar apa yang ingin kita sampaikan?
That fast!
Kita nggak terbiasa untuk langsung memanggil Dia sang penyelamat dan pelindung kita. Kita akan berlari sangat cepat untuk dunia. Padahal, kita tahu kemana kita harus mencari pertolongan pertama.
Now, i realizeabout that.
Kita nggak sebegitunya mengandalkan Dia. Kita nggak sepenuhnya mau dipegang sama Dia. Kita berusaha mencari jalan duluan, sedikit sabar, dan merasa nggak mampu tanpa nanya atau ngomong dulu sama Bapa kita.
We’re affraid. We’re worry. But, we are not let God take control. Kita sibuk sama cara kita sendiri. I told you this cz I know what am talking about.
Setiap kali aku membayangkan lembah atau jalan setapak yang penuh semak belukar tadi, aku seakan menangis dan benar-benar nggak bisa melewatinya sendiri. Sampai suatu waktu aku kembali memutuskan untuk bilang sama Tuhan kalo aku nggak sanggup lagi. Aku butuh digendong.
You know, saat itu juga Tuhan nunjukin kalau dia itu nggak pernah ninggalin kita. Aku benar-benar melihat dia berjalan bersama-sama denganku, menggandeng tanganku, dan nggak ada satu pun bagian dari semak belukar itu yang menyakiti aku. Luka atau lecet itu ada, tapi Tuhan menggandeng aku melewatinya.
Sama seperti ketika aku mendaki gunung batu setinggi 350M itu. Awalnya, aku merasa itu pasti akan sulit untuk dijalani. Tapi, nyatanya saat aku sudah mulai melangkah setapak demi setapak, aku berhasil tiba di puncak. Setiap kali selalu menyemangati diri sendiri. Setiap kali selalu minta Tuhan tolong.
Lalu kenapa nggak melakukan hal yang sama dalam kehidupan? Toh, hasilnya Tuhan mampukan.
Perjalanan saya dan teman-teman mendaki gunung tersebut direkam oleh seorang teman. Setelah videonya jadi, kami melihatnya dan nggak percaya kalau kami mampu dan berhasil menaklukkan gunung setinggi itu dengan cara memanjat.
So, peeps… Saat ini, mungkin kamu dan aku sedang berada dalam kondisi yang penuh kalimat “Nggak mungkin. Ini sulit. Aku ingin berhenti.” Tapi, kalau kita tahu kita mengandalkan siapa, kalau kita mau menyerahkan kendali sama Dia, percaya penuh sama Dia, dan keepbeing nice, percayalah… Kita akan sampai di tempat seharusnya dengan bangga dan bahagia. Achieve! Achieve! Achieve!
Dan ketika melihat kembali ke belakang hasil “rekaman” perjalanan kita, kita bisa menyadari kalau sesuatu yang awalnya nggak mungkin itu jelas dan sangat mungkin untuk Tuhan.
Aku nggak bilang setelah menyerahkan semuanya maka dalam waktu cepat semua akan baik-baik saja. Tapi, Tuhan pastikan Dia nggak akan pernah ninggalin kamu di saat semua orang pergi bahkan nggak peduli sama kamu.
Dan pada akhirnya…
Aku melihat serta menitikkan air mata ketika menyembah dan mengadu pada Dia dengan sebuah lagu. Saat aku menutup mataku, aku jelas melihat Dia menggandeng tanganku erat, dan aku sangat kecil, dan kita berdua berjalan bersama-sama walau kepalaku masih tertunduk.
Suatu hari di sebuah kota kecil, tinggallah seorang Anak Perempuan yang sangat mencintai ayahnya. Sang Ayah pun sangat mencintai gadis kecilnya.
Ayah selalu bekerja dengan jam yang tidak pasti. Setiap kali Ayah bertugas malam dan pulang larut, sang Anak sudah sengaja tidur di ruang tamu agar nantinya ia digendong ke kamar oleh sang Ayah. Hal ini menjadi sebuah kebiasaan untuknya.
Selain menggendong, Ayah juga memiliki kebiasaan untuk membawa makanan. Bihun goreng kecap kesukaan Ayah, akhirnya menjadi makanan favorit tengah malam si Anak Perempuan.
Selain menggendong, Ayah suka membangunkan Anak Perempuannya untuk ikut mencicipi makanan yang ia bawa. Ini menjadi momen paling menyenangkan untuk Ayah dan dia.
Di hari ulang tahunnya, Ayah memberikan kado spesial untuk Anak Perempuan. Ia memberikannya sebuah baju tidur berwarna biru dengan lengan yang panjang dan juga celana yang panjang. Alasannya sederhana, Anak Perempuan kerap digigit nyamuk dan menggaruknya hingga luka. Itulah mengapa Ayah memberikan semua yang serba panjang.
Baju tidur itu menjadi baju tidur favorit Anak Perempuan. Ia terus menggunakannya hingga baju tidur itu rusak dan berlubang.
Namun, itu adalah baju tidur pertama dan terakhirnya.
Tak lama setelah baju itu rusak, Ayah pergi meninggalkan dia. Dia pun tak peduli lagi pada baju tidur Anak Perempuan.
Dulu, jika Anak Perempuan sakit, baju Ayah dan pijatannya adalah pertolongan pertama. Namun, sejak ditinggalkan ia berusaha mengobati dirinya sendiri dengan pijatan Ibu.
Baju-baju Ayah satu persatu tidak ada di lemari lagi. Baunya pun sudah tak tercium lagi. Ya, aroma khas yang menjadi obat pelepas rindu Anak Perempuan.
Sejak saat itu, Anak Perempuan tak lagi memakai baju tidur. Ia memakai apa saja untuk tidur. Ya… Ia tahu, itu takkan pernah mengobati rindu pada ayahnya.
Tak akan ada yang bisa menggantikan gendongan Ayah saat itu. Tak akan ada yang bisa menggantikan ciuman Ayah pada dahi dan pipinya kala itu. Tak akan ada yang bisa menggantikan pelukan, pangkuan, dan nyanyian Ayah kala itu.
Hal yang paling dirindukannya dari Ayah adalah menemani Ayah berolah raga dan juga bernyanyi. Ya, Ayah adalah seorang penyanyi. Semua orang kenal Ayah dan tahu kalau Ayah adalah sosok yang pintar, ulet, cerdas, dan memiliki suara yang luar biasa. Ayah juga bisa memainkan gitar dan keyboard. Ayah sangat luar biasa.
Namun, Ayah pergi meninggalkan Anak Perempuan.
Dewasa sudah kini anak perempuannya. Ia sudah bisa membeli pakaian sendiri. Satu hal yang pasti ia cari adalah piyama.
Piyama dengan lengan panjang dan celana panjang.
Ini akan selalu mengingatkan dia pada kasih sayang Ayah di masa kecilnya. Ia merasa aman dan nyaman ketika ia menggunakannya.
Once in a sunny day, there is a girl on the window.
That’s her favourite window.
From that window, the girl seeing people. That’s her favourite routine.
One day, someone knock on her window.
“What are you doing? Come and play with me!”
The girl just peeping from the window and hide behind the curtain.
“Come on.”
She still looking at the boy who knocked her window.
“I… I don’t know.”
She’s still hiding.
And the boy leave her alone.
The little girl regret it.
She’s sad.
Next day, she’s ready to play if the boy ask her to play with him.
She’s peeping out. There are so many people.
Knock. Knock.
“Hei, look at your bangs. It’s funny. What are you doing there? Come play with me!”
She’s prepare everything. Everything before she going to sleep last night. But, she’s still affraid.
The little girl really want to play. But, she’s affraid that the boy won’t like her.
So, the girl close the curtain. Again.
The next day, she open her window and let the boy playing with her. At her window. That’s her favourite corner.
They’re so happy.
Slow but sure the little girl open the window wider and wider.
Now, she’s smile to that boy. She’s happy.
The next week, they’re getting closer. The man come with some toys. The girl tell the boy how hard her day.
For the next month, they share their sandwiches. Her favourite jam and his favourite snacks.
Month passes, the girl throw the bricks around the window. She knows that the boy really enjoy playing with her, either she.
One brick, two bricks, until almost every bricks fall from the window.
The sun comes up. In the daylight, she’s very happy and want to share everything with the boy. She meets the unicorn in her dream.
But…
The moon show its face. The girl still open the window. She thought, maybe the boy is sick. Maybe, the boy just bored with her. Or maybe the boy just can’t come.
She waits.
“That’s oke. I’ll wait.”
The sun comes up. She’s looking the boy from the window. The boy comes up. She waves her hand with wide smile.
The boy just stare at her and run.
She’s confused. She’s sad.
The next day, she’s waiting again. The wall start to build.
“There you are, boy.”, She whispered. She waves her hand again.
The boy just stare at her, waving, and run through the window.
The wall getting higher.
The sun comes up. The girl still waiting at her window. She’s looking at the boy. He become far away from her. She waves her hand.
The boy not coming up. He stand still, right over there.
The little girl shows him his favourite snacks. But, the boy ignore it and just leave.
The little girl is very sad.
She packs her snacks. She feels so stupid.
She build the wall with her bricks again. She close the curtain.
“It’s not easy to break the wall. It’s not easy to standing here without the curtain. It’s not easy to show my stupidity. But, at the end… The boy leave me alone…”
karamelfrapucino 