I start to write, again. I try. I’m not in a good condition actually. Life gets me in so many trouble. But, who’s not, if you’re ask.
Wait, before i start let me PLAY my favorite song recently.
So… My 2020 starts so bright. I start it with finally get a new job at the restaurant, do my solo trip to Japan, and suddenly it turns over into a trashy season, until now. People get struggle because of this virus. We can’t see it but because of them so many people dying everyday, some lose their families, some lose their jobs, some of business going low and bankrupt. Suffering everywhere.
But, besides of all those things… Some people still can live in their empire. Looks like nothing happend to them.
And me? What about me?
After the very long struggle to get a new job, finally i can get a new even sometimes i can’t enjoy the job. But, who cares. I need money and they can give me. Actually the job desc is still on my field, but i don’t know why i can’t enjoy it. Full of preassure. I can say that i’m lucky to working at fancy restaurant in Jakarta. But, you know… the fact i can’t enjoy it, at all. You know, i don’t have real friends there. I’m sorry. I just be friends for business. I think this is my first to being like this. Ah, i know.. i have one person that i can call her friend because i start hug her, sit with her when i get lunch and talk about our music. We love the same music. Thanks to One Ok Rock back then. One person after months, that’s my record. Bad.
After struggling with everything alone in Jakarta, suddenly i’ve got a go to Bontang. My hometown. Firstly, i just wanna take a long holiday. And never think to live here again, for a long time.
Now, here i am. Running small business, hoping an order everyday, day dreaming ang thinking what’s happend in my life? Am i ruin it? Am i getting low? Am i right? Am i fine?
To be frank, i am not fine.
Pause-ing around 15 minutes. I’m staring that “I am not fine” line and wipe my tears.
Yeah, i am not fine. I’m not okay. But, no one understand. Or it’s only me who exaggerate this. But, i just want to be real. I am not okay. Let me tell you why.
I feel like i am useless (again). I feel like i can’t make a big amount anymore in my life. I am afraid to lose my skills on writing articles. I am now paralysed, depends on Mom again. I am now nothing comparing to others. I have big dream to go to international, but look at me now. I still can’t embrace my condition right now.
It’s easy to say don’t compare yourself to others. But, it’s not easy to do it.
I really hate to depends on others. I really want my life back to me.
Don’t ask me about relationship. It’s not my priority right now. I even don’t know how to in love with someone. Tasteless.
For someone like me, who have a not really good family background and not even rich, to have a job or have skills is like the only thing i can “sell” when i want to jump on relationship. Maybe because this is me. Maybe because i live in Asia. Job and how you make living is one of the important things. Even my brothers right now are jobless.
Maybe, maybe it happend to me because i used to be the one who is working. I used to be the one who become the example for my brothers. Maybe, because it feels like y parent have high hopes on me. or it’s just me over-react-ed on it. My best friend yelling at me, “Ninta, you are fine. Your life is fine now.”
How can it be fine when i have nothing?
I don’t have anything to get all my dreams. In the past, i have my boyfriend who always support me and told me that he will makes me happy and make sure i’m secure and we can go anywhere i want. I have my father who works and gimme some money so i can buy anything i want and i don’t have to pay the bill (please note i’m not rich), and i got the job so i can pay my tickets and do anything i want. I just have to manage it. But now…
Yes, money is big matters for me. Like, right now i really want to take chance for an international student changing scholarships to Korea and get Harvard Certificate on it with only 300K for the test but i can’t pay for it. I can if i use my credit card. But, my goal now is to completely free from my CC bill soon. I hate it.
For me, that’s really important but i should burried it. I hate that i should back to my latest life where I can do nothing and have nothing because I have no money.
I think it’s happens on me because i have taste it. I’ve tasted my best life when i can eat my favorite food without thinking of my money, have a great traveling experiences, living in a big city, and really want to go abroad. I don’t know why. I just want it.
Am i too selfish so i can’t get it? Or you would tell me that, “This is your choice. You choose it…”
This is my darkness side.
I really want to go to some country, live there for a while, no one know about me, starts something, feel the experiences, living with… i don’t know what. If you ask what’s ideal for me, let me tell you something.
I never regret my background, but… What’s ideal for me starts when i meet my ex. It feels like we will build our empire, complete our study, get a job, marriage, he will go abroad for his works or degree, i live with him there, enjoy our time, have kids, have good education, doing some hobbies not for living but for sharing.
That’s what i called ideal. but, i don’t have it and i still running to it now. Maybe i’m not into things, shopping, or have some branded things. I just wanna go far and feel the experiences. Learn a lot. Mastering something. Because i love it, and that’s my pride, and that’s what i want to show to people.
And maybe because of this, God doesn’t give me a boyfriend yet.
Am i too much complaining my life? Sorry if all of these words doesn’t match your expectation. Anyway, you can share what’s your ego too. We’re not an angel everyday. Sometimes, we need our dark side appear on the surface.
I’m waiting.. your dark side story.